Monday, August 31, 2009

Code Red

You guys in SA have it so easy! No worries at all. Walking down mint road in Foodsburg, you’re likely to find a paan-dukaan (little kiosk selling betel leaf) and all the goodies so u can get paan-walla (dude who sells the stuff) to make it as u like it! I’m sure killa-bah will be able to elaborate on how a certain sector in the community enjoy this delicacy after meals at weddings too.

In the sub-continent, it’s not uncommon to be walking in a stairwell or alleyway and finding a previously white wall with murderous splatterings of red – making you wonder if the slasher from the horror flick you watched the night before had been in the neighbourhood and forgot to call the cleaners after him! And then all of a sudden, you hear a blood-curdling sound – gut-wrenching (or rather gut-wretching). You cringe, and know that you should run for your life! And then with one more khhhhhhhghhhhhhh sound, you know that from the deep recesses of someone’s internal organs, a glob has been formed and it’s begun its journey, gaining weight and force along the way. From the moment you hear that sound, you know you only have about 3 milliseconds to run a mile and you’re wishing you had the testosterone levels of Semenya! But unfortunately, your shirt gets caught in a bind holding you back and you become witness to glob taking flight like the concord and landing smack-bang 3 centimetres from you, colourfully decorating the cobblestones! Whew! Talk about a close call! You look up and you see this uncle with a rooi baard (red beard) and all along you thought it was mendhi (henna) he was using to cover the grey! Meanwhile paan-drool wasn’t getting beyond his fist length!

I’m grateful that in some countries, the sale of the betel leaf and all its condiments are banned and considered as close to drug use as qat (khat).
But it so happened one fine day in Khaleejistan* that a young desi man decided to go back to his roots and open his paan dukaan. Some kids in the neighbourhood were curious and passers-by wondered what wares the new sweet vendor had. Then doom daraka doom (special shah rukh khan sound effects) the police pounced!

Two days later, this is what I found published in the papers:

Paan’ sellers arrested

The Security Department has arrested three Asians for selling ‘paan’ (betel leaf mixed with areca nut and tobacco for chewing) which is banned in Khaleejistan*. The department, with the co-operation from the Criminal Investigation Department, arrested them following complaints from the director of a school that some students were eating paan sold by a store nearby.
After a thorough investigation, the security department arrested the suspects red-handed and seized the stock. Action will be taken against them, the department said. The Security Department director appreciated the school director’ keenness in keeping youngsters away from harm and unhealthy lifestyle.

* name of country has been adapted

Well of course they were caught “red” handed and probably red-mouthed too!

Don’t ya just love how the dudes have to pose with their loot and get to appear as celebrities in the papers! Imagine calling home to paanistan – Ma, I’m famous (read in south asian accent and waddle head from side to side)


Sid said...

"Special Shah rukh khan sound effects."
"From the moment you hear that sound, you know you only have about 3 milliseconds to run a mile and you’re wishing you had the testosterone levels of Semenya!"
Brilliantly done!

Waseem said...

Loved this post.

haha red handed :D

KiLLa said...

U called me killa-bah


This was flippen funny..

I wrote a HOW TO TRACK an IP post once... Ill forward it to u if i find it..

Paan is effen disgusting... Seriously..

Anonymous said...

I don't really care if they want to use the stuff, but please, please, please--can't you spit into a cup?

desert demons said...

Hey guys, glad u liked the post! Its just been annoying me for so long and also the way when u're at a traffic light the guys open their doors and leave a glob - i don't want my tyres to be carrying spitballs! ewwww.

Killa - would love to read that too.
(and calling u bah was hint hint)

KiLLa said...

How to Track an IP

In my field, many have asked me how to do the above.. Well, since i have to be nice i decided what the hell.. U get them hackers, anon commentators and plain old pricks in facebook, blogs, mailboxes so heres what i have for u guys..HOW TO TRACK THE IP.. So if ANY OF YOU’s need assistance with the tracking of an IP, look no further as its time for knowledge sharing..Bear in mind u need to have some IP knowledge..

Firstly, an IP could be distinguished using just ur eyeSIGHT.. Common features include, Brown trousers, Green shirts and white sandals.. The sense of HEARING then comes into play. Common words such as “boss” and “dee wee dee ((DVD)) ” are apparent.. Also scents of BEETLE LEAVES and TOABCCO emit and constant acts of spitting are imminant.. A good tracker will also notice very jovial behaviour and mostly seen in groups discussing or portraying and arb act of hitting leather with willow.. Common hotspots include, a BARBER SHOP and bollywood memorabilia store.. Hope this helps..