Sunday, May 17, 2009

Saucy Secrets


So there I was trampeding through the Sexpo this weekend, sniffling at the scents that are meant to drive him wild; vampishly sampling the jumbo cherry lollies; and giving my flabby thighs the ultimate work out at the pole-dance workshop! This is one of the not-to-miss events of the year! Really shows that in Africa size definitely counts cos this is the BIGGEST, sexiest exhibition of its kind in the world!!!!

Toys for boys, pearls for girls and everything in between! Racy or lacy, it’s all laid out for your picking; whether you’re a forty-niner or a sixty-niner; if a French fourchette tickles your fancy, or indie undies!

Sexperts and penilists discussed everything from virility to virology but if you’re more into mountaineering than theorising, there’s Mount Peni, awaiting daring expeditionists to reach its climax!

Organisers say that since the launch of the Sexpo two years ago, they’ve seen a notable change in the choices of the clientele - : "The global economic crisis, job insecurity and other stress factors will cause in increase in sexual activity between couples, acting as a stress release valve and escape clause from realities.". It seems that the economic slump has made more people want to bump (and grind)! In simpler terms, it means that your sex life is indirectly proportionate to your disposable income! Just remember though……. What goes up must come down!!!

Although I must admit that the vast array of lingerie didn’t quite measure up to the Syrian Sexpo that’s on daily in Souq al-Hamidiya. From singing underwear to flashing fairy lights, glow in the dark ones and a set of undies shaped like lady’s hands enveloping the wearer's nether regions. In a slightly higher price range, you’ll find remote-controlled bras and knickers for those moments when you cannot wait to eeeerrrrm dive in?!!! They are designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or a press of a button.

Bet you didn’t know that “Islamic sexual mores are not only about veiling women, segregating the sexes and austerity… Indeed, if a husband fails to satisfy his wife sexually - or vice versa - it is considered grounds for divorce under Islamic law.”

Every bride-to-be is armed with an assortment from what has to be some of the world's kinkiest "leisure wear". Its tradition and a public service………. Spice it up and prevent the wandering eye. See Malu Halasa and Rana Salam’s style guide called ‘The Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie’ for further details.

Speaking of spice……. The goodness of vegetables is ever on the rise (‘scuse the pun). Nicci Talbot's guide recommends practicing the art of ‘deep throating’ with phallic shaped vegetables in her book entitled ‘Unzipped - How to Give the Perfect Blow Job’. This advice comes with a caution however… Veggies tend to break and may cause choking – potentially fatal. Pause a moment and picture the obituary……. Enough said! But now I get why the fatwa on cucumbers and tomatoes was issued!

Until our next sexcapade, I’m back to the dreary old life of cotton briefs ala Bridget Jones.


Anonymous said...

Poor Bridget Jones briefs....... I think they got a bad wrap!

Azra said...

Rotfl...I'm still trying to figure out why or how singing underwear would allure the he like made to believe her parts can sing or something? And singing what? "Come to me?"


The Arabs are kinky bastards. No lies there.

Word Veri: Franco (a hot latin love?) LOL

Azra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

lololol a cellphone ? gives a new meaning to phone sex no?

desert demons said...

Anon 1 - haha bad wrap!!!!

Azra - singing underwear in case the radio is broke and u wanna get a good sexy number on, like "do that to me one more time"
classic! i gots to meet franco!

Anon 2 - for a good time call candy!

Anonymous said...

A cucumber, a cucumber, my kingdom for a cucumber.........!!!

Anonymous said...

thanks for taking me or informing me bout all these kinky things that i missed :( whayt goes up must cum down, eventually i guess. anywaz very cool article, umm bout da singing underwaer, someguys just cant find it, call it a gprs to reach the spot or should it be g spot? just askin :) lol DD rocks (A)

desert demons said...

Anon3 - I'm a wanderer but I'm scared to wander into your Kingdom!

(A) - I'm pretty sure the Syrians are working on the new gprs technology bikini, due for "release" in 2010. DD is always here to keep the ummmmm finger on the ummmm pulse.

Anonymous said...

shup! so b 2010 bafana gona be scoring into singing nets, i cant wait to see that. how bout a test run during con feds cup n jus see if bafana can score to singing stockings? (A)