Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Looping star fish

LOOPHOLE DEFINITION: A screwed up and talented way to justify getting fucked up the ass, enjoying the shit out of it and never ever feeling guilty about it.

(Definition sourced from www. Ben Dover. Com).

Extensive research was conducted over a period of two months. My findings…..

1. Anal sex:
I recently learnt that Indian girls prefer to get fucked up the ass. Their excuse…. “Protect the sacred hymen”. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Just admit that you secretly prefer the taste of vanilla ice cream wafers dipped in chocolate sauce. What makes it even worse is that guys agree to this. Either you are secretly gay or you prefer giving it to her from the back so that you don’t have to see her mother fucking ugly ass face. Ever heard of covering her face with a brown paper bag …. Genius! Anyone for some chocolate star fish shaped biscuits!
Advice for the girls: you can surgically replace your hymen for just a thousand bucks. If cost is an issue …. The Chings make a magical drug that’s called “grow (glow) a hymen”.

2. Breaking your virginity on a horse:
For fuck sake unless you are lady freaking Godiva, ill believe that shit.

3. Breaking your virginity on a bicycle:
What the FUCK…. Find me an Indian girl that rides her bike like Evel Knievel – Restepe Girlie!!!!

4. Birth control:
“I have terrible acne”.
“My periods are irregular”.
“I get bad cramps when I’m gushing”.
(Dilly to the MAX…. go to a fucken white doctor for fucks sake, that way you will save yourself from one sin…. Fucken LIARS). Btw Indian doctors know that you are bull shitting

5. Fasting:
For every other month of the year you menstruate for 7 days but in Ramadaan you miraculously gush for ten whole (don’t get excited girls… I didn’t say hole) days.

6. Husband Hunting:
“My ass is showing, my tits are perky, I’m smuggling jaw breakers but doesn’t my scarf look pwetty….. Hail! Haaree poiree of fucken poireees. Queen of shepocricy!

7. Part Time Marriage:
Get married secretly while you are still studying. Screw each others brains out then at the end of the semester…. TALAAQ…. TALAAQ…… TALAAQ!

8. Pravin Gordhan- Beware:
It is acceptable to do the whole OOPLANG thingy. Cheating the tax man is not considered stealing or “wrong”. DING DONG Duh! Cheating is fucken cheating KING OF ROKRA!

9. It is OK to pay interest with interest (a negative and a negative make a +). Btw it is also acceptable to pay for concert tickets, your domestic worker, your paving for your drive way, your toilet (I always wondered why our toilets are prettier than the rest of the house), and for speeding tickets with interest money.

10. I lower my gaze when I am on three months jamaat but screw that shit…. Start loading up on the GAjAR HALWA before our July holiday in Durban. (For doff and doffness- jagar halwa = carrots= good for the eyes).

11. Fallacio is acceptable….. Sex forbidden.

12. I can down a Bacardi, sambuca, tequila, jack, klippies and a Smirnoff BUT… FUCK I’ll never eat haraam meat.

13. For plus minus 280 days it is ok for me to fuck my boyfriends brains out, down shooters, pop an E, A, B whatever the fuck, smoke a mother size bong BUT!!!! 40 days before Ramadaan …. The bar is closed for renovation and my dealer is gone on holiday to Pakistan.

JAI HIND!!!!!!
Fellow Indians…. Ur fucken talented yaar!


Saaleha Bamjee-Mayet said...

That forty day story just slays me.

Do you know the original hadith that refers to the "40 days of unanswered duas" if you imbibe alcohol for example?
I've never come across it personally, and would really like to read the full text.

Saaleha Bamjee-Mayet said...

correction - not unanswered duas but unaccepted ibaadah.

desert demons said...

My point was that it is unislamic period. It should not just be wrong forty days before ramadaan. The hypocricy just kills me.

The Organ Harvester said...

hahahahahaha. I have never laughed this much at a blogpost before. Classic. And so bloody true.
/weighs my contribution to wives out there.

Maybe I am not as bad ass as I thought.

desert demons said...

After reading "looping star fish" organ harvester... are you sure u still wana use the words "bad ass"? :)

Aasia said...

Hardy har har. This is awesome. Thanks for the great laughs. I'm going to let my winky friend Gavin read this. He will have such a laugh Aasia

The Organ Harvester said...

There was this girl from pretoria... but you should hear the stories about the boys. Will make your toenails curl.

desert demons said...

Thanks Aasia :) say hi to gavin.

desert demons said...

Organ harvester - u have to blog about the freaks from memonville. Cant wait to read it.

M Junaid said...

this is probably the most passionate post ive ever read of yours. You raise some very pertinent points.

p.s - anal is also referred to as 'taking a ride on the chocolate highway.

"Hail! Haaree poiree of fucken poireees" - Love that line

KiLLa said...

I dont think i have EVER blogged anything of this calibre..

MJ asked me earlier if i read this particular post.. So obviously there was something to it..

U have just raised the bar girl.. This is totally sublime.. I thought i was treading on the edge but u went over that line.. Saying it like it is.. Hard core truth.. Truth always hurts..

Without a doubt.. The best post i've read in a while..

I am in awe

KiLLa said...

OK i couldnt resist..

With regards to the anal sex thing. I thought it was just a myth.. That indian girls take it up the ass so they protect their silver lining..

I however dont approve of covering it with a paper bag.. I rather prefer a flag.. And then doing it in honor of that country..

Anonymous said...

If I meet you at akhals next wednesday, can u hook me up with one of those semester marriages?

Azra said...

I couldn't have said it better myself...

From what I hear, BJ parties are also the in thing...very popular amonst the young crowd...because apparently "its not like they're having sex"...

We have some F@#$ed up people around...

Shameema said...

first visit to your blog!
That is an awesome post. It amazes me how these people do this crap and actually think it's ok as long as no one knows what im doing. How retarded are you???/

Work in Progress said...

So true about the hypocrisy - I can't stand it either and it's scary how so many people actually have that mindset. Lol at memonville - not a good idea to paint everyone with the same brush?

Waseem said...

Intense post, and to be honest I didnt know stuff like this is going on. Sometimes I live in my own little world I guess, and I tend to think good of people until I experience the bad first hand and I guess all these people are out of my monkeysphere. Also its really hard to make other people see the light when people close to you, cant see it properly themselves.

Awesome post, real eye opener.

Btw I think its gajar halwa, Im not 100% sure.

Princess said...

This is by far the best post I've read, the truth and nothing but the truth....Thanks for this eye opening post

Farzanah said...

I am new to reading your blog...followed you from non other than Killa.
This post was straight and to the point---I like your writing style. Keep it up.

shabz said...

Was told to check you out by Aasia- and you didn't dissapoint, I like your honesty - Keep it up :)

Aristocrat said...

Killa linked this post, so it had to be special.

And you didnt disappoint. Bril post. Did u think of all thiis yourself.


desert demons said...

M Junaid- lol @ the chocolate highway. Some things can only be said in Guggi, don’t you agree?

Killa- Thanks a million… Ur too kind J btw, it is not a myth. A few non-Muslim friends told me about our girls liking it up the ass. One question… the South African flag or the Indian flag?

Anon- they still do that whole Akhals thing on Wednesdays?

Azra- BJ parties- wow! Please tell me more. One plus about that is… our men are circumcised (just kidding).

Shameema- Thanks . Bugs the crap out of me as well.

Work in progress- The holier than thou bullshit sucks!!!!

Waseem- Thanks for the correct spelling. My oops!

Princess- Glad you enjoyed it.

Farzanah- Thanks

Shabz- I was told by Aasia to check out your site as well. Google searched “soul moving skies”. And was amazed. Brilliant stuff…. Wow!!!!!

Aristocrat- Had supper with some friends… and this was the main topic. Indian loopholes.

KiLLa said...

So like they take it up the ass from outside the muslim circle.. Shame on them..

Are we not good enough.. LoL.. Dont quote me on that..

What u mean, SA or Indian.. Be classy.. Get a German flag.. I heard those ppl like it anal.. (or was that on some movie i watched whilst in skewl)

Just a thought..

O btw.. I kinda linked this post and mightve quoted u a bit.. I did reference it tho.. Hope theres no harm done..

Just another thought.

Azra said...

Yeah BJ Parties...Needless to say that I was SHOCKED when I found out. My 17 year old sis gets all the inside scoop from her friends so she's our informant. These kids even have their own lingo. "Going for a Drive" usually means going for a BJ...and "A visit" means sex... Geez, and I can go on guilt trips just because I was looking at male Abs.

Apparently, BJ parties usually involve a pool and alot of inebriated muslims and non muslims...(the Alcohol issue is a whole other blog on its own - the BJ generation sees absolutely nothing wrong with it).

Then theres something called "the ringz" (or something to that effect)...its where a guys gets a BJ from different girls all wearing different coloured lipsticks...then at the end of the night, the guy with the most lipstick "ringz" around his tottie wins...
Sick Fuckers.

Oh yeah...and another thing (I'm abit fuzzy on this one)..but there are these plastic wrist bangle thingys that some girls wear, in different colours...and every colour represents how far she is willing to go with a guy.

Sick Fuckers.

I predict end of days...

KiLLa said...

and i predict people getting turned into STONE

Anonymous said...

Any Hole is a Goal!

As any golfer would say some times you have to putt from the rough!

Jamie Carragher!

The Organ Harvester said...

did Azra just call it a tottie?

Ferrari said...

discovered yr site thru a friend. interesting stuff...if only it cud reach those who r so oblivious....

Shoobs said...

*sigh* I miss the South African poirees !!!

Let he wihtout sin, cast the first stone !!!

Sajid said...

Absolutely priceless. Brilliant humour underpinned by a real burning issue. Nice work - first time I've read your blog. No dubt I'll be back.