Friday, August 15, 2008

Spongebob Square Pants

This started out as a little note to all the men out there!
Oh Fuck, How I wish I really could say that ...
but in Reality they don't exist. So I've decided to
do the sisterhood a favour and draw up a list to save
all you ladies out there lots of time and loads of wasted emotion.
So here goes... (the following have been some what inspired by true life events)

18 signs that should convince you he's not the man for you...
(unless you're into vanilla ice-creamed stuffed wafers dipped in chocolate – dark or milk depending on the iron content).

1.He absolutely loves daisies, bouquets, little birds and fairies

2.His favourite movies are: Gone with the Wind (Frank my dear I don't give a damn), My best friends wedding, The Ring 2, Brokeback Mountain, Titanic (I'm king of the bang bang club), Saving Private Ryan (Shaving Ryans Privates),Adventures in Narnia, Cassablanca and Lord of the Rings.

3.He loves going to poetry night (la la la lallaa ode to fucken melancholy my ASS!)

4.He wears more make up than you do (the latest craze is guys wearing base and lip gloss, really what man needs an even toned complexion???)

5.The first thing he does in the morning is look at himself in the mirror (God forbid there's a pimple on his forehead AHHGGGH!!!! (its a catastrophe baby!)

6.He is obsessed with penis size (why don't they just measure in mm and feel gigantic??)

7.He knows the price of a GHD and more importantly he knows it comes in a limited edition PINK

8.He writes EGROTICA (kak erotica) and thinks he's the worlds best poet (like HULLLOOO have you seen Gibran, Ghalib and Rumi?)

9.His favourite poems are: Thomas Pringle's, The honeybird and the woodpecker; Roy Campbell's, To a pet cobra and Ruth Muller's, Penguin on a beach (Camps Bay)

10.You save up and buy him an amazing shirt for his birthday and his reply is...My mummy doesn't like red (please use high pitched tone while you're reading this)

11.He never holds the door for you because he might break a nail!

12.His favourite colour is cerise pink with a hint of glitter

13.He wears white jockeys (or as i prefer to call them WOCKEYS!!!) as the theme song goes WOCKEY WILD WILD WEST!

14.He keeps comparing you to his ex girlfriends or boyfriends or both ( if your ex treated you kak you probably gave her good reason to, why the fuck do I have to deal with the baggage? I'm not a porter !)

15.He has more issues than the YOU and HUISGENOOT put together and you somettimes have the urge to blurt out “baby is it PMS ?”

16.He's convinced the world is against him and that the universe is out to get him as well (I wish the man on the moon would stop by and Smack em like a BITCH!!)

17.He eats less than you do and because he's watching his calories, he orders low fat cappa-fucken-ccino

18.He pouts like Kate Moss and what's worse is that he has the cherry flavoured lipgloss to match

So ladies if the above criteria remind you of your Spongebob then chances are that Patrick the starfish is waiting in bed for him. As for me If I wanted all of the above I would just fucken be lesbian! (yes i've used the “L” word)

Final advice ladies... RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! (and not because they're alive with the sound of music)


n said...

o my word ur article is like dejavu

bb_aisha said...

this happened to u?? i would have started running by no 3:-)

desert demons said...

yep its from friends and my experiences

Junaid said...

most of these are reasonable, but i don't think ur being fair in bad behavior #5...i mean, when a guy wakes up, he either has the option of looking at his face or looking at his penis, and if he does the latter, you'll say he's guilty of bad behavior #6!!!

Aasia said...

haha i love it.

Menly men don't wear pink. I love by this code.

every one else are a bunch of pansies