Monday, August 25, 2008
Genetic Job Interview
This has to go down as one of the worst first dates in history (first and last). NASTIEST SHIT!
One thing I’ve learnt is that people can be very deceptive over the phone. (If you awful in bed you great at phone sex). Conversation was OK and he was actually quite witty in a bizarre sort of way. Anyway, we organised a date- a Sunday afternoon, in a very very public place. He picks me up half an hour late, apologises with some lame ass excuse but the freak manages to find time to stop and buy the Sunday times (with the extra). The date’s going well until he asks: do you mind if I take the paper up? What the fuck!!!! Does it look like we married? Freak!!!!! I overlook- I’ve attended my best friends “stop being so fussy” boot camp so I force my self not to be so petty. Everything goes well until he starts the interview:
1. What is your surname? Seems like a natural question, until “well shame poor you, I guess you are not a Sayed…. if you marry me you can be one…. do you know what it means to be a Sayed?” WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
2. You built very nice, not too thin; you will definitely bear me ten healthy children.
(Yes why am I still sitting down, purely for entertainment).
3. Did your grandparents die of cancer or heart disease? The bitch that I am, I answered, both, and added diabetes just for the hell of it. Oh how could I forget, I couldn’t resist adding- “I don’t really get to build any relationships with my family because they all keep dropping like flies”. This didn’t impress him, “shame our poor children”.
4. Mr Job interview: “I’m thinking of buying a new car”
Me: The one you driving is fine.
Mr Job interview: wow!!! You passed the test
Me: What test?
Mr Job interview: I was testing you, if you said yes I would never go out with you again.
Me: (thinking to my self – WANKER!!!!).
5. Would you live with your in laws?
My answer: NO! I love walking around the house naked in the mornings, don’t think your mum will be too impressed.
6. Will you work after you get married…. its not good for a girl to work after she is married. All strange horny men that you work with will keep hitting on you- (Yummy, I wana get married just to meet these so-called horny men at work).
7. Will you wear scarf after you married…. you know it’s the right thing to do. If you do not, the marriage falls apart and because you are marrying a Sayed, it is your duty!!
8. Will you cook for your husband…. this way you build a loving, caring relationship. He will respect you if he comes home and there is food on the table. This holds the family together, and you get a hundred million thousand gadillion sawwaab for it. (Was tempted to ask if he attended New Town Madressah?)
9. My mummy makes breakfast, lunch, and supper for me. (She calls to ask, MARO POIRO AAJHE HOO KHAVANOO?
10. How often will you visit your parents…. twice a week is overdoing it. You now live with your husband and this is your new life. Your mother will poison your mind. (ARE YOU FOR REAL?)
11. Will you want to go out with your friends once you get married? You have to learn to grow up and let go of ALL your friends. This is your new life now. Friends will hit on me. (Yea-right FREAK).
12. For our honeymoon I would like to go for Hajj. Imagine consummating my child there… the blessings. AAHHH!
13. Do you speak Gujarati? My mother takes offence if you talk to her in English and prays everyday that her son marries a girl that will teach her grandchildren the language.
At this point I throw my boot camp training out the window, send an SMS under the table to my best friend, SOS!!! She calls acting like my mum. “Where the hell are you, get home now”.
Fake ASS worried look on his face: PRICELESS!!!
Explaining to him why I will not go out on a second date with him: PRICELESS!!!