Thursday, June 21, 2012

An Open Letter To Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Dear Bibi,

Well done on your latest crackdown on foreigners in Israel. It’s bad enough they are goyim, but schvartze goyim? Oy vey!

Billions of Africans are fleeing to glittering democracies like Israel and Uzbekistan and it is reassuring to see you have not allowed yourselves to become yet another limp-wristed, refugee-hugging nation like Australia.

As for Britain, well, the Windsors are the only family left whose friends and relatives are entirely white, and even then Prince Harry has shown a disturbing penchant for the African ladies – if you can call Chelsy Davy African. Or a lady.

I am delighted to see Israel is not afraid of being accused of racism in its drive to send the unchosen back to where they belong. 

This is what the world needs right now – people who are not afraid to stand up and defend their culture. Unless, of course, they are Mel Gibson, not that he can stand up. 

The Promised Land was promised to the Jews, not the Africans. Even the Babylonian Talmud tells how God punished Ham by turning him black because he broke the no-shtupping rule on the ark.

And yet you have a meshuggener schlemiel like Desmond Dekker singing a song titled Israelites that goes: “Look, my shirt them a tear-up, trousers are gone. I don’t want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde. I’m poor, I’m poor, the Israelites.” Some say the lyrics suggest darkies see Israel as a refuge from poverty. Others say they suggest Dekker was so high he needed to file a flight plan before going on stage. I think it’s a combination of both. 

I mean no disrespect to your wonderful country, but you would have to be very desperate and very stoned to want to live in Israel. 

Sometimes I wonder if God didn’t make a mistake. You have to admit the Caribbean is much nicer.

I understand most of the intruders rounded up earlier this week were from South Sudan. This is outrageous. They whine and complain and so we give them their own country and before Khartoum’s counterfeiters can even forge the new currency, they are off on an exodus across the desert with lots of children and unleavened dough. And it’s not taking them 40 years to get to Israel, either. 

Did you know Moses had an Ethiopian wife? This is where the trouble started.
On Wednesday, that group of hysterical French lefties, Médecins Sans Frontières, warned of “dire medical consequences” as tens of thousands of people fleeing from Sudan into South Sudan find refugee camps full and unable to provide basic life-sustaining essentials. Like sushi, I presume.

No wonder the South Sudanese are moving to Eilat. Given a choice, who would want to share their lebensraum with a bunch of sweaty refugees? Right, Bibi?

According to your spokesman, Captain America, Israel approved one asylum application out of 4 603 received last year. What on earth were you thinking? You’re setting a dangerous precedent, my friend. This year, approve none. Be strong. We will love you the more for it.

Africans often make the mistake of assuming that because their government has friendly relations with another government, they will be welcomed into the neighbourhood. 

What they don’t know is that you are only friends with South Sudan because President Salva Kiir wears a cowboy hat and Juba is at least four thousand years away from developing a nuclear weapon.

Reports indicate you also nabbed three Nigerians, two Ghanaians, two Chinese and one from Ivory Coast. If I were you, I’d let the Chinese go. These people are hard workers and your restaurant scene could do with a little diversity. 

I don’t mean to sound anti-Semitic, but not everyone is a fan of blintzes and bagels.

How about giving them their own piece of land? The Negev desert would be ideal. If it was good enough for the Philistines, it’s good enough for the Africans.

A month ago you said in a cabinet meeting: “If we don’t stop their entry, the problem that currently stands at 60 000 could grow to 600 000, and that threatens our existence as a Jewish and democratic state.”

Damn straight. Take South Africa, for instance. In 1993 there were, like, five thousand black people in the country. Within a year of elections, there were 40-million. The ANC wasn’t kidding when they referred to the birth of a nation. 

President Zuma has personally sired thousands of children, some of whom are probably selling drugs on the gritty streets of south central Tel Aviv as we speak.

Funny old world, though, isn’t it, Bibi? All along you think the Palestinians are out to get you, then it turns out that Africans are your biggest threat. 

They might not lob mortars at you, but they will play bongo drums and chew khat and dance in the street until all hours of the morning. Personally, I would rather have a suicide bomber as my neighbour.

A word of warning. Your criminally liberal interior minister, Eli Yishai, says any infiltrators who hand themselves over to immigration authorities will receive one thousand euros to help them on their way. So you’re hoping to get rid of Africans by giving them money?

You’d better have deep pockets, Bibi, because if I were black (and I hope to be one day) I would sneak into Israel, claim the cash and go home for a big fat drunken orgy.

And when the hangover subsides, I would do it again.

Ben Trovato - Cape Town-based author of 10 books, although you wouldn't think so if you had to see his living conditions. Writes the Whipping Boy column for the Sunday Times, South Africa's biggest-selling newspaper. Hailed by critics as a master of satire. Hailed by his wife, Brenda, as an idiot savant who could do with a little more savant and a lot less idiot.(
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