Growing up had brought its own set of challenges. Was free will a pretty picture we pretended to paint? We couldn’t control the greater things but what about the things directly related to us? Surely those we could control? 'Life decisions' were the ones that we made only for ourselves.
Would she go with him? Would she leave even though she knew she would never come first? Would she ever be the same again?
Why don’t we leave even when we know its over?
You’re suppose to know all the answers, she said.
I did! I replied.
Then what happened she asked?
I guess I grew up.
That sounded like it was straight out of a movie, she laughed.
My life often does sound that way and I wish it would stop!
She could tell it was different this time. The tone, the aura, him steering away from one of the biggest decisions of their lives. She knew he would hurt her. She came willingly the second time around. There would be no one to blame but herself. She would’ve done anything just for a chance to try. They had often argued over the worst case scenarios and she had always insisted that her worst case scenario was them never getting to try.
Maybe she would’ve thought differently if she had known he would hurt her again. Actually she wouldn’t have.
She wished that the timing was different, or that their commitments were different or maybe if life was different.
He didn’t get it! God he didn’t get her!...How she wished he did – that’s what she told the people that questioned his sincerity, that he was learning that he would get there – she was afraid to admit that they had been right – that he didn’t understand her or what she needed. He didn’t understand that she would give anything to see him happy. That she had never loved him for a specific end. That she loved him unconditionally. And that even though there were no originals in 7 billion people that it would be a long time before he found someone who loved him so completely.
When we fall in love we are held ransom by our hearts. Love speaks far too many dialects of tears. She decided she would have the tattoo done. He had taken her to amazing highs and taught her many lessons about her own soul and she would remember those always. She wanted to brand her skin as he had branded her heart.
She understood now that what he had needed to do he wouldn’t have been able to do by himself and that having her beside him had got him through it. If you love someone every moment of closeness is something that you would trade eternity for – a moment, that’s what she needed , that first kiss – she would live in their memories as he had once threatened to do. She should have realised that his words and actions didn’t always reconcile but her heart wanted so badly to believe him that she allowed it to.
Thank you she said as she turned to leave – I wish the best for your soul. He knew she meant it, he remembered what she had said the first time he left her : ‘when you relinquish your heart to another body , you can only hope that , the body is happy where ever it is.