Dear Demon, you are cordially invited to THE EVENT OF THE YEAR!
Imagine my excitement! Red carpet, all the glam and glitter, fabulous entertainment, scrumptious food and scandalous guests! Just my kinda party!
The euphoria didn’t last more than 30 seconds……. Instead I was overcome by the sheer sense of horror!
I have NOTHING to wear!!!
I rummage through my closet, find all my lovely shooz and nothing to match! The hot little black dress doesn’t even get over my fat head! And I'm overcome with self-loathing.
Need to go shopping – so I waltz through the malls, flirting with every evening dress I find until…..
Hmmm the perfect sexy red hot number! Only it’s outrageously overpriced… jeeez! I could’ve shopped at Valentino at this rate! Do these friggin designers not realize that there’s a recession?
Wat to do – wat to do…….
Oh Gawd! I can’t stand it anymore! It’s all around – everywhere I go! Every website has one of those banners and every shopping centre I enter seems out to get me – I’m stalked by the evil lollipop-headed size zeros, who just forget to eat. %*&^&^%
“Lose 25 pounds in 2 weeks” “Firm abs, with no exercise” The warrior diet, Atkins, Cambridge, south beach, jenny craig, oprah, dr oz….. Berries, pills, shots, lipo…. Arrrrrggggggggggggggh
Ok ok Plan B – the dreaded diet. I can do this. How bad could it be? Sarah drank those shakes and in no time got that man to give her that engagement ring. Ayesha did the gym circuit and that personal trainer is no doubt the real motivation! I just need to lose a bit round the middle… I have six weeks and a six-pack of determination (if nothing else).
Gym Membership $ 50 per month = $ 100
Personal Trainer $35 per session 3 x per week = $ 630
Diet Shakes $ 60 for a month’s supply = $ 120
Gym Attire = $ 250 (a girl has GOT to be appropriately dressed)
Massages at the Spa = $120 (or I’d not be able to walk)
Gift to myself for being so diligent = $ 150 (new shoes)
Night out with the girls to show off my new curves = $ 130
Weight Lost = 5 kilograms
Not giving in to my cravings for chocolate = worse than waterboarding
Mood = Bitchy (more than usual, that is)
Sizzling down the red carpet feeling like the Goddess I am = PRICELESS
P.S. HAPPY WOMEN's DAY, South Africa
(Picture Source: www.amptoons.com)