Sunday, August 9, 2009

Motivation

I squealed with ecstasy when I opened the shiny box with a few assorted, individualized chocolates and an elaborately framed card:

Dear Demon, you are cordially invited to THE EVENT OF THE YEAR!

Imagine my excitement! Red carpet, all the glam and glitter, fabulous entertainment, scrumptious food and scandalous guests! Just my kinda party!

The euphoria didn’t last more than 30 seconds……. Instead I was overcome by the sheer sense of horror!

Gasp!

I have NOTHING to wear!!!

I rummage through my closet, find all my lovely shooz and nothing to match! The hot little black dress doesn’t even get over my fat head! And I'm overcome with self-loathing.

Breathe!

Need to go shopping – so I waltz through the malls, flirting with every evening dress I find until…..
Hmmm the perfect sexy red hot number! Only it’s outrageously overpriced… jeeez! I could’ve shopped at Valentino at this rate! Do these friggin designers not realize that there’s a recession?
Come on!

Wat to do – wat to do…….

Oh Gawd! I can’t stand it anymore! It’s all around – everywhere I go! Every website has one of those banners and every shopping centre I enter seems out to get me – I’m stalked by the evil lollipop-headed size zeros, who just forget to eat. %*&^&^%

“Lose 25 pounds in 2 weeks” “Firm abs, with no exercise” The warrior diet, Atkins, Cambridge, south beach, jenny craig, oprah, dr oz….. Berries, pills, shots, lipo…. Arrrrrggggggggggggggh

Ok ok Plan B – the dreaded diet. I can do this. How bad could it be? Sarah drank those shakes and in no time got that man to give her that engagement ring. Ayesha did the gym circuit and that personal trainer is no doubt the real motivation! I just need to lose a bit round the middle… I have six weeks and a six-pack of determination (if nothing else).

Gym Membership $ 50 per month = $ 100
Personal Trainer $35 per session 3 x per week = $ 630
Diet Shakes $ 60 for a month’s supply = $ 120
Gym Attire = $ 250 (a girl has GOT to be appropriately dressed)
Massages at the Spa = $120 (or I’d not be able to walk)
Gift to myself for being so diligent = $ 150 (new shoes)
Night out with the girls to show off my new curves = $ 130
Weight Lost = 5 kilograms
Not giving in to my cravings for chocolate = worse than waterboarding
Mood = Bitchy (more than usual, that is)
Sizzling down the red carpet feeling like the Goddess I am = PRICELESS

P.S. HAPPY WOMEN's DAY, South Africa




(Picture Source: www.amptoons.com)


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

/me wonders if Valentino makes anything that fits normal ladies...!

shabz said...

lololol I love it, well actually maybe I'm just a sucker for happy endings :)

Azra said...

LOL, great stuff...but uber-LOL @ "Dear Demon"

Word Veri : Preck (prick?)

Riverwolf, said...

Yep, you had me laughing throughout.

Makes me think of the commercials I see here for men's hair color. One shows 2 little girls trying to get their dad a date and humiliating him into coloring his hair--cause, you know, otherwise he's a loser.

The other shows a guy with his hair colored who gets a job while ol' gray-head doesn't--cause he's a loser.

Nice age discrimination!

Saaleha said...

And they say its hard work being a man?!

desert demons said...

Anon - made to order, if u can afford it, Valentino will make it to fit an elephant!

Shabz - yeh, happy endings are ummm priceless.

Azra - some are just pricks any way u spell it!

River - Thats just sad about loser dad! Its like an ad I saw about a woman who uses skin whitening cream and gets a fabulous job as a designer or something! Definitely discrimination!

Saaleha - no man has known hard work until he's lived as a woman! kudos to all the transvestites for trying! ;)

Word veri - brerrie