From Cocks to Socks: Your Exclusive Matrimonial Guide!

A few days ago, I met this crazy, bubbly woman at a cocktail reception. She was bursting with excitement and desperate to get on the next plane to her home country and stand before a magistrate to get married to the man of her dreams. She’s Caucasian and met this Emirati guy on the net. She went to every single woman at the party telling them its never too late to find love and that they should all sign up to a certain website where they were sure to find a deluge of eligible bachelors!

Now I’m a born cynic and although I know of a few people who claim to have found love online, I don’t believe in dating a screen! It’s all too easy to paint a perfect picture when you’re not face to face with a person. And the romance is all conjured up in your pitiful imagination.

Being the demon that I am, I couldn’t resist taking a peek at the enormous pool of hot Muslim men just waiting for me to click on their profiles on the sites specially designed to get you “your match made in heaven”

Needless to say, I didn’t find mine – then again, being a demon, my match is probably made in hell!

…. Dozen findings are based on my random investigation of men, varying in age, ethnicity, and educational background. My comments are in brackets while the rest of it is from the profiles of the desperados – some just left me utterly speechless!

1.
Golden handes for careness (This is one title I didn’t need to tamper with):
About me: i can lie like every one in this world,but i dont like to lie and liers,i love all kind of sports spacialy water sports all kind of.
i am a good cock --- (a tad bit over-confident?)
Looking for: no need to be a model,but something like normal, (who can handle good cock)
understandable woman can cock,if not i can teach
(poor guy, think he meant cook)

2.
(Skanky Panky):
About me: South African – 49 “separated” (yeh right! Should read – having midlife crisis and looking to have an extra-marital fling with some young thing! And being 49, you’re probably one of those where the young girls call you uncle but you’re checking out their rack!)
Enuff bout me, let's get to know the diamond in you ;)
(effectively a see-through shiny rock – don’t talk, just sit there and be put on when I want to get it on then quietly go back to your velvet box!)
Looking for:
Very passionate, sensual & sexy, down-right naughty & enthralling attractive & captivatingly charming in your own unique way (in other words a sluttish ho?)
You are wonderfully light-hearted (peroxide-light?), intensely inquisitive (but no inquisition on the separation – it deflates my sensitive spot!) and actively affectionate. (code for he prefers woman on top)
highly sensitive & mysteriously deep. (its only mysteriously deep if you’re too short)
You enjoy an (sexually) active lifestyle. enjoy being affectionately discovered (cos my GPS just aint finding the spot!) & then opened-up with your beauty (without the wife ever having to know?)

3.
Wife Wife Wife too Hard to find Wife (Shame):
About me: ME?? u will believe all what i will write?? if some1 wnat kill u or hurt u,he will said this from begining?? (serial killer in training) i haven't know franklessness in liers. am man wnat change his bad habits like smoke and (sex?) and (drugs?) and (rock?) ,and (roll?) hope to be less then perfect,so come and discover me (how many more bad habits are there to discover?).

4.
Pakistani: (this guy went by GDP of the country)
i am lookin for a good n religious as well as fun loving girl/woman who likes to accept a poor and belong to a middle class family man from Arabia/Kuwait/UAE/Oman/Libya/Brunai/EU/Austraila/NewzealandCanada or America. (when I grow up, I wanna be rich, I wanna be famous – or at least marry rich and famous! Maybe I’ll settle for poor gypsy)

5.
(Born again):
iv lived and brought up in London, a place surrounded my fitnah and kuffur . . . it has come to a point where I have now decided to marry biidnillah. As a result I have become contempt with life (I really didn’t know that being contempt with life was goal that we should strive for!) and ultimately feel that I have now (having previously been occupied with wine and women) the right tools to strive in the path of Allah and to ultimate success. Seeking chaste woman (I love how these guys will sleep with everything before marriage but wife better be a virgin! Kinda like the curing HIV myth).

6.
(Weak heart):
Looking for cultured not the typical Arab woman (uncultured-like the ones I ordinarily associate with) who go out of shape after the first baby (not if you pay for the plastic surgery hunny) - someone who enjoys headaches and trouble, just like me! (oh yeh baby! Market yourself!) will not sign any papers before seeing what I am marrying. I do not like surprise! Please, I have a weak (and fickle) heart! (make sure I’m in the will before I throw the surprise anniversary party)

7.
(Bengali Curry in a Hurry):
if the thought of wearing a niqaab frightens you, please dont bother. most importantly you must be prepared to involve your walis ASAP and please dont take 5 years to decide whether your intersted or not. (let the cattle parade begin! You will be lucky to be choosed!)

8.
(Lonely, I’m Mr Lonely, I have nobody for my own… ):
I am very much alone i want a beutiful.muslim widow she.may.be.alone.having.business.or.service.iam.i.doing.govt.job.i.have.had.two wives but.both.are.quarreling. (and you want another one? To what? Mediate between the other two?)
(he actually received one response)

9.
Best of the Best: (Mr Vain?)
i'm a business man looking for my lady to gave her the best to be the best
i like the one how like traveling and ingoing in the life. (cos being outgoing is SO last season!)
i like the pretty and the smart one i wish she have un opened Maine (is maine the new slang for hy “maine”)

10.
(Grow up!):
Nahro has asked my wife and I to find a good girl for him to marry. Nahro is a great guy with ambitious goals and a heart of gold. (and no backbone). He is respectful of himself and others, he is very kind and generous. He loves hanging out with his siblings and nieces (free baby-sitting services). He is very close to his mum, as are all his siblings. We are a very close family and have very strong family values. We want to support eachother. (BUT?) Nahro is looking for someone who can fit into that portrait, someone to grow up with. We are a multicultural and multilingual couple and are very openminded. (I thought this was about Nahro, but now that you mention it… umm look, u sound like a lovely couple but ummm, I’m just not as openminded about swinging n orgies – this conversation is making me uncomfortable now).
Nahro likes football, studying, reading, eating, learning other languages. Nahro would like to meet a smart girl who knows that life is all about the journey and who is prepared to grow up together with him.
(Nahro needs to get an identity and a life or he’ll never get laid!)

11.
Seeking my tilth to cultivate:
(ok I get that the Quran says “your wives are tilth unto you”, but come on!!!! Another lame ass pick up line so that he can find tilth to plant his seed?)
About me: 38 years
I'm a wonderful man lol... I'm a wonderful man lol... I'm a wonderful man lol...
I'm seeking a wonderful woman lol... I'm seeking a wonderful woman lol... I'm seeking a wonderful woman lol...
(think this is wat can happen in 20yrs if Nahro doesn’t get laid by a wonderful woman lol…)

12.
(Sock it to me):
Sherif is a wonderful, hard-working man who is looking for a second wife. He is blessed with a wife and four children, but has room in his heart for one more. He has a great sense of humor, is very romantic, and is extremely disorganized. He never picks up his socks and often forgets to say pleased. He's not perfect, but he's really a good guy. Sherif is looking for a strong Muslimah who is not in need of being rescued. She should be intelligent and know her worth. A career woman is fine, as long as she can take care of her husband at home. She should be passionate and romantic and should dress modestly for the world and beautify herself for her husband. Children are fine. She should be willing to have a healthy relationship with her co-wife.
(methinks the co-wife posted this ad cos she’s just fed up with Sherif not picking up his dirty socks!)