Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Night of Many What Ifs…..

After a tough year we all found ourselves in desperate need of a serious debrief session! The end of the year seems to always bring some kind of relief. `Tis the season of calm despite the exhaustion. Coddled by the warm open arms of the girls, several cartons of Kleenex Softique (only the best for our delicate noses), tubs of decadent indulgent ice cream, and boxes of the most exclusive and effective heal balm known to womankind – chocolate – we found ourselves sprawled across the floor, leaning on comfy cushions or cuddling up on the couch. This was a much-needed girls night in and time to catch up! All the stories came pouring out, much like the soaking rain outside! Between the giggling fits and the sombre sobs, each had a story – we’ve been through illnesses, losses of loved ones, ugly thighs, bad hair days, road rage, office tantrums, moving and upheaval, and of course the ups and downs of relationships with the men in (or out of) our lives.

“He said he loves me but he only said it after I said it five times this morning! What does that mean?”

“He sent me the regular morning greeting text but all it said was ‘Hope you have a great day’”

“He wants me to meet his family! But he says only after the holidays – that’s ages away, I can’t bear the tension till then! What am I going so say, what if they don’t like me?”

“I can’t stand him anymore - we hardly speak to each other unless its about the kids”

“Is he a commitment phobe?”

“Maybe he doesn’t love me…..”

“What if things don’t work out and we break up?”

“How do I tell him I’ve met someone else?”

What is the obsession we have with finding “The One” the “soulmate” – he who makes the world stop and hearts skip a beat and blood rush to the brain! Why the constant search for the proverbial sign? “I need a sign – just a little something to calm the fear….”

The truth is he may be THE ONE. He may not. It may work. It may not. It may be his choice. It may be hers. It may be right. It may be wrong.

And what if it is wrong? We cry on the shoulder of those who are there to support us, we pick up the pieces, we fall apart again, we move on, we wallow. We go through the motions of existence moment by moment, numb at first; slowly healing our hearts until we find new distractions – hope again of perhaps THIS TIME it’s the one.

Then again….. what if this is the real thing??? What if we had to kiss a few toads before the prince revealed himself? Maybe there are no hidden meanings and the stars had it all wrong! Maybe the real signs are in the littlest of gestures – he gives you the red smarties `cos he knows u like them or telling you the cheesecake u made was the best he’s ever tasted! What if he’s just human and muddling through his own maze trying to find the answers?

What if the answers are right here, right now – the sign you seek, bare before your eyes ….. but you’re too distracted to see it!

What if we knew? What then? Do all fairytales end in the happily ever after? Or will we ask ourselves more What ifs?

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life’ not so much by what happens to you, as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”
Gibran Khalil Gibran


Anonymous said...

I think part of the struggle is riding ourselves of the illusion that anyone is "The One." It isn't that simple. If there is indeed only "one" out there, what are our chances of finding him/her in all the billions of people in the world?

It's like your Gibran quote; we must do the best with what we have, who we are and who we meet. Setting up all these expectations is the real cause of the suffering.

KimyaShafinaaz said...

"What if he’s just human and muddling through his own maze trying to find the answers? "

love this... the whole piece i mean.. and the above quote had me reading it over again... because thats just it! we're all in this together, 'us' and 'them' :P

awesome reflections! thanks for this...

Azra said...

I think the biggest problem we have today is that everyone has expectations.

If you look at history, people met each other...thought they could tolerate lookin at each others faces, got married and stayed married for 50 years. Sure they had problems, but they compromised, worked at it and ignored each others flaws.

Today, everyone is selfish...we're not willing to compromise and we want what our minds perceive to be happiness...an amalgamation of the fairytale endings complete with fireworks, shooting stars, bubbles of happiness and love at first sight. And when we don't get that...when he/she doesn't meet those expectations, they're automatically discarded in our minds and we're off again, searching for that elusive "One". Its like searching for the Holy Grail and coming across all kinds of relics.

Anonymous said...

Boy, oh boy! Have I come across a few too many relics!!!

The 'ONE' you seek is the one that may not fulfill all your needs or your desires, but is the one willing to work towards doing that.

Howling Lamb said...

Hello Desert Demons. Methinks the demons doth protest too much. Methinks thou thinkest too precisely upon the man. As Mae West said, it's not the men in your life that matter but the life in your men - or maybe the life in your man. Have you considered that you could be looking for the man you have already met? Have you considered that you have left him in the maze and that maybe he is muddling his way trying to get back to you? Have you considered that instead of looking for a man upon whom you can pin your lists of hopes and expectattions that instead you could look for the man who will write those hopes and expectations in the poetry of his life dedicated to you. Don't spend your lives climbing the ladder of hope only to find that the ladder is against the wrong wall. Get the wall - or the man first and allow him to give you the steps to your fulfillment.
Howling Lamb

desert demons said...

Riverwolf. Azra and Anon, your comments hold many truths and begs closer scrutiny. Fairytales do not exist. It takes effort to make relationships work and if the effort is assumed by all parties, it is likely to put paid to the single soul mate adage. Perhaps we just don’t make the best of all that we have and so easily write it off to "it wasn't meant to be." Sometimes though, it may require more work than we imagined. Of course, there is the occasion where perhaps it requires more work than people are willing to invest and causes more pain than good. Parting is rarely painless.

KimyaShafinaaz, thank you!

Lamb, the musings in this piece, the "what if's" are merely our own insecurities needing reassurance. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have a support system by which we obtain affirmation. Sometimes though, we don't listen to the alarm bells. Either way - "Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise." ~Author Unknown.

tammyc said...

wow. that is the same thing i'm going thru. talk about synchronicity.